Posts Tagged Women

Men vs. Women Classes Redux

Posted by Paul and Sara in Daily Life, Entertainment, Opinion on April 17, 2009

We sat down for two days and fought, screamed, cried, bit, kicked, squabbled, and consumed copious amounts of wine and Malibu and eventually came up with this, our own version of the Men vs. Women piece, in order to help our readers better understand why the other half of their relationship drives them spare. (Ok, it’s not helping us any, but maybe it will for you.)

Classes for Women

Basic Survival- How to Get By With Less Than 20 Pairs of Shoes

The Dangers of False Advertising- Padding is Bad: A Guide to Understanding Why Men Want to Wake Up Next to the Same Woman They Went to Sleep With

Makeup 1a : Applying Makeup Without Using a Trowel
Makeup 1b : Why the Rear-View Mirror is Not for Makeup Application

Dating Economics I- Why Men Hate When You Order a $25 Cocktail and Then Leave Half Dating Economics II- Eating in Public and Why It’s Acceptable

Sociology I- Overcoming Your Fear of Using the Bathroom Alone

Planning For the Future I- Getting Him to Marry You Does Not Require a Pregnancy Test
Planning For the Future II- Sex Doesn’t Stop After the Wedding

Fashion For the Married Woman- Why Sweats Don’t Work and Why Lingerie Won’t Kill You
Fashion For the Married Woman II- Classic Clothing: Wearing What You Already Own

Environmental Studies- Hairspray And It’s Effects on the Ozone

Dealing With Men- Understanding Why Flowers and Chocolate Doesn’t Always Mean He’s Fucked Up

Effective Communication I- Learning to Say What You Mean, Not What You Expect Him to Decipher
Effective Communication II- Learning That He Says What He Means, There Is Nothing for You to Decipher
Effective  Communication III- How to Make ‘I’m Sorry’ Sound Sincere While Continuing to Lie Through Your Teeth
Optional Credit Course- When He Says Yes Immediately, Either He Wasn’t Listening or Didn’t Understand the Question

Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments I- How Not to Walk in Front in Front of the TV During a Game
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments II- Why His Friends Hanging Out at Your Place is a Good Thing

Timekeeping For Beginners- How to Avoid Leaving the House 10 Minutes After You Are Supposed to be There

Sex Ed for Women- You ARE Allowed to Participate!
Sex Ed for Women II- The Mouth is For More Than Just Kissing
Sex Ed for Women III- Spontaneity, and Why Scheduling is Bad

Bathroom Etiquette For Beginners- Anyone Can Put the Toilet Seat Down
Intermediate Bathroom Etiquette- Respecting Razor Boundaries
Optional Credit Course- You Too Can Remove Your Hair From the Drain

PMS- Your Problem, Not His

Classes for Men

Hygiene 101- If Your Socks Don’t Bend, It IS a Problem! (Or ‘Why You Require More Than One Pair of Underwear’ť)

Dating Economics I- If You Can Spend $69 on a Video Game, You Can Afford to Take Her Out
Dating Economics II- Going Dutch May Be Fair, But It Won’t Get You Laid

Health I- Why a Beer Gut is Not Attractive- How to Distinguish Between a 6-Pack and a Keg
Health II- Dealing With Constipation: How to Pass a Pub Without Going In

Drunk Dialing- What It Is and How to Avoid It

Fashion For Men- Letting Go of the 80’s:  If You Owned It Then, It Shouldn’t Be Worn Now

Admitting You Are Wrong in 3 Easy Steps*
*Pre-requisite for ‘Admitting You Are Drunk- Why Telling the Truth is Not As Hard as it Seems’.

Effective Communication I- Choosing Your Words, A Simple Guide to Realizing She Takes Nothing At Face Value
Effective Communication II- Why Just ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ Are Never Acceptable Answers
Effective Communication III- Apologies and Reparations- Getting Yourself Out of the Doghouse and Back Into Her Bed*
*Advanced Level Course, Must Have Completed Effective Communication I and II

Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments I- The More She’s on the Phone, The Less She’s Nagging You
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments II- Lessons on the Consistent Use of “Yes”, “You are Right”, and “You Look Great in That”
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments III- When to Give Up and Say Nothing at All

Reality vs. Perception- Understanding that You Are Not James Bond
Reality vs. Perception II- Basic Measuring Techniques, and the Difference Between 4 Inches and 8
Optional Credit Course- Why Women Can’t Park Cars When You Lie to Them About Distance. (Reality vs. Perception II Required.)

Home Ec  I- Cleaning Instruments and How to Use Them
Home Ec  II- Basic to Intermediate Hoover Driving with Practical Demonstration on Going Under and Around Furniture
Home Ec  III- Avoiding Comparisons Between Your Wife and Your Mother
Home Ec  IV- How to Prepare a Meal Without Using a Grill or the Phone Number to Pizza Hut

Human Biology- Why Mentioning Her Weight or Eating Habits During Pregnancy Can Be Fatal

Sex Ed For Men I- Foreplay Requires More Than Just Taking Off Your Pants
Sex Ed For Men II- Discovering Your Tongue and Fingers, and Basic Techniques for Using Them
Sex Ed For Men III- Why Some Moves Will Only Ever Happen on TV, and How to Know the Difference

Bathroom Etiquette For Beginners- You Too Can Leave the Bathroom in Less Than 20 Minutes
Intermediate Bathroom Etiquette- Air Fresheners and How to Use Them
Advanced Bathroom Etiquette- Techniques For Hiding the Victoria’s Secret Catalog

PMS- Why It Really IS Your Problem (Effective Communication III Recommended But Not Required)

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Summer Classes For Men, or ‘Who Writes This Shit??’

Posted by Paul and Sara in Daily Life, Opinion on April 16, 2009

My friend Christy sent me this, and without thinking about it I forwarded it on to Paul. As usual he had something to say about it. Ok, a LOT to say about it, not that I should have been surprised. Do men really need this kind of training? You decide. ~Sara

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE

ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 17th 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

(Okay two things here! First off, real men don’t need ice ;) It just doesn’t go with beer or wine. That’s for your Baileys and mudslides! Next, who the fuck uses ice cube trays anymore? Us men moved on to using ice cube bags to make your ice years ago! http://bit.ly/Gfvl (Those would be the blue things you see in the bottom of the freezer while you’re staring at the ice cube trays getting mad! – Paul)

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

(Yeah, and for the women “How to Put a Toilet Paper Roll on the Dispenser Properly”- an easy course designed to teach you that the paper is supposed to hang down on the outside where it is easiest to grab, not right up against the wall. This course would then be followed up with “Remembering to Replace the Toilet Paper Roll and Why it’s Just Plain Evil to Leave One Fecking Sheet on the Roll!” – Paul)

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Lets see you stand up and hit the target! ‘Nuff said! – Paul)

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

(“Fundamental Difference Between the Clothes Hangar and the Radiator.” “How Not to Have Your Knickers on Display When Your Friends Come Around in 1 Easy Step!” Also offering “The Differences Between Tools and Kitchen Utensils, a Visual Discovery! Or maybe “Plumbing 101, How to Unclog a Pipe Without Screaming “Paul!!! The Sinks Blocked! Can you fix it?”- Paul)

Class 5

Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

(How about – “How to Have Patience and Wait 10 Fecking Minutes!” Or “Electricity 101 – Why Knives and Toasters are a Bad Combination!” and for the ultra lazy female with a recycling fetish, “Disposable Plates – the Joys of Cardboard” ROFL :P – Paul)

Class 6

Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

(It’s not “Loss of Identity”, it’s survival. We don’t want out brains melted by the mind numbing tedium of yet another soap opera. Real life is happening outside your window women! You don’t need to live vicariously through soap operas. You do know why they’re called “soaps” don’t you? Because they scrub your brain of all ability for independent thought and the desire to live YOUR OWN life! – Paul)

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

(Yeah, because if you looked in the “right place” the thing wouldn’t need finding to begin with! – Paul)

Class 8

Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health

Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Until she starts asking “WHY” have you brought me flowers and/or chocolates? What did you do? What do you want? – Paul)

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

(If you’d shut up for five minutes to let us drive in peace we may not get lost to begin with. After that just remember that you taking the map and reading it upside down only gets us more lost. And the reason we don’t want to stop, roll down the window, and talk to other people is because we don’t want to expose them to your verbal barrage of nagging! – Paul)

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

(Yeah, because parallel parking really takes 15 minutes and 12 attempts!! – Paul)

Class 11

Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

(You don’t fuck your mother (unless you live in Alabama)! – Paul)

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

(In other words learn how to follow her around like a docile sheep while she spends all your cash!

Tip – be the ideal shopping companion by remembering that she looks great in everything and that the pants she spent twenty minutes trying to squeeze into does NOT make her ass look fat!

Here’s another tip for ya – Want a free night out with the lads because she doesn’t want to talk to you? Just be honest with her. Those new pants doesn’t make her ass look fat! Her fat ass makes her look fat! – Paul)

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Yeah – how about for women “Time, is Measured in Seconds” 5 minutes does not equal two chronological hours! Or, “Doing What I Say I’ll Do” -a twelve step course to keeping the promises I make and how to make sure that when I leave for an appointment it’s not 10 minutes after I’m supposed to be there. – Paul)

Class 14

The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

(I’ve yet to meet a woman that can cook. Yet I do know one that can give you food poisoning just by choosing a restaurant! – Paul)

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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