Posts Tagged Relationships

Communication And Long Distance Relationships

Posted by Paul in Daily Life on February 6, 2010

Holding Hands

This is talking too.

One of the biggest issues that Sara and I still face on a day to day basis is communication. Seriously.

I know that may be hard to believe considering that we are both highly articulate speakers. Both of us are bloggers and both very capable of expressing ourselves. We indulge in said expression sometimes to the extent of flogging a dead donkey, but there you have it, communication can be difficult for us at least under the circumstances of a long distance relationship.

Being apart, while we wait for our circumstances to change so that we can proceed with visa applications means that the dynamic of our relationship is not the same.

Living and conducting the day to day affairs of our lives is not made easy by the pressures of being 4000 miles apart. We have Skype. We get to see each other everyday. Have it on together at night going to sleep so we get a sense of being with each other while we sleep. Watch movies together online. Work on our projects. Celebrate etc..  We talk constantly, but talking is not everything when it comes to communication.

The last time I got to touch Sara was in December. I’m not referring to sex, I’m referring to the little things that happen between a couple that are part of communication. Holding hands. Touching her hair. Putting my arm around her while we sit on the couch. Reaching out to put my arm around her while we lie in bed at night. These things, these little touches, small kisses and the ability to even see someones posture in its entirety, to smell them, to be able to bring them a cup of coffee (teas in Sara’s case, she can’t drink coffee) are all part of communication.

The are all part of the essential day to day communication between any couple and sometimes all the talk in the world can’t make up for their absence.

Of course, the fact that I am a stubborn old git doesn’t help in our case, but hopefully others going through a long distance relationship won’t be burdened with my particular brand of charm :P

I have and will continue to cherish the times I get to spend with Sara as we await being together permanently. Not just because I am with her and get to hold her but because for those few weeks at a time we get to do most of our communicating, and when we do I get to see how truly close we are. How truly right for each other we are and how much I could never be apart from her.

For anybody else going through a long distance relationship, please let me give you this little bit of advice.

It’s important to communicate always, but it’s never more important than during those times you are together in real life. I know it’s tempting to travel, meet all your friends, do the things that couple do in the dark ( or the park ;) ) and get wrapped up in the trip, to get wrapped up in the “what shall we do together”. Even more important, in my experience at least, is the time you spend just with your partner. The time you spend pushing a trolley around Walmart, snuggled under a blanket watching a movie, playing board games, lying in bed talking, strolling through the park talking and oblivious to the rest of the world.

In other words, when you are together in real life, that is the time you should communicate. That is the time you should be attentive and do all the little things that you can’t do via Skype. That is the time to hold her (or his) hand, to brush her cheek, to show her, without words, that you are listening, that you are there and that you care.

That unspoken communication is what will sustain you both during the long months apart.

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Distance and Paranoia

Posted by Paul in Daily Life on July 10, 2009

When Sara and I got into this relationship we new that things would be hard. We weren’t blind or ignorant of the issues that we would face and we certainly were in no doubt that we would be facing one of the trials of our life.

What neither of is expected was that things would be this hard.

Nasty divorces, 4000 miles of distance and the sheer time that we have to spend apart has torn us apart, ripped us down and made us both paranoid to a level that would never occur had we been living just a few hours apart.

I must admit that things have been incredibly stressed for us over the last few months and in all honesty I am a large, if not the largest part of this.

Both Sara and I have our difficulties with the other being so far away. I know Sara doesn’t like it when I go meet my friends, go play play pool and have drinks with friends.

I know I don’t like it when Sara is out with others.

I fear losing her. To me she is everything. She is so beautiful that, despite the fact she tells me that other men don’t pay attention to her, I know that they do and I fear them trying to steal her away from me.

I told Sara once, and I still stand by this, that if I had never met her online, if we had only crossed paths in a bar or at a social function somewhere, I would not have walked up and talked to her. I would have been too afraid. A woman like her is so far out of my league that I cannot believe she’s with me and I cannot understand why she is.

Anyway, as I was saying, things have been hard.

We feel the deepest need to be on Skype together, on video and voice chat, when we can’t be together, simply because we can’t see each other in real life.

At the moment we’ve been averaging a week together every 3 months. Usually I go to Alabama to see Sara and once she’s come here to Ireland.

Hopefully, the next time, Sara will be coming here again.

Not being together in real life leads us to overcompensate with being online together sometimes. It becomes this crazy obsession that we need to spend time to make up for the fact that we both see things as if 2 hours online together is barely worth 2 seconds in real life and we want all the time we can have together.

As I said, we over compensate and this leads to further issues.

It leads to both of us spending so much time online that we feel restricted by it. We develop some strange form of cabin fever.

Worse, when we’re not together it makes us worry about what the other is doing, because they’re not with us. She’s not here. What is she doing? Who is she with? Who has she met? Will she come home tonight still my girlfriend and future wife?

I, perhaps, suffer from this paranoia the most.

I know Sara does too and I just don’t know how to alleviate it.

We try to compensate. We try to schedule our time together so we get used to spending some time apart.

When that doesn’t work, we fight.

Oh, yes, we fight and when you have two large personalities with massive opinions that are as stubborn as we are, well you get the picture, we fight!

But the thing is this: I love Sara.

I love her more than anything in the world. Without her I wouldn’t have the strength to do what I do. Wouldn’t have the strength or the courage to deal with my depression, to work through everything and to put all my hopes and dreams into Sara and our future. A future which sometimes seems impossible, but considering how many impossible things we have already achieved to stay together, has to work.

I want my future with Sara. I want us to be together. Want to be her family, to grow our family and to spend my life looking after her.

I want Sara to be free and I want to give Sara the freedom to be what she wants, to explore life and grow in whatever directions she needs.

I love Sara and even though we’ve been on together today, I miss her.

I can’t wait to see her beautiful smile again, run my fingers through her gorgeous hair, look into those amazing blue eyes and tell her, as I kiss her perfect lips, that I love her.

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Men vs. Women Classes Redux

Posted by Paul and Sara in Daily Life, Entertainment, Opinion on April 17, 2009

We sat down for two days and fought, screamed, cried, bit, kicked, squabbled, and consumed copious amounts of wine and Malibu and eventually came up with this, our own version of the Men vs. Women piece, in order to help our readers better understand why the other half of their relationship drives them spare. (Ok, it’s not helping us any, but maybe it will for you.)

Classes for Women

Basic Survival- How to Get By With Less Than 20 Pairs of Shoes

The Dangers of False Advertising- Padding is Bad: A Guide to Understanding Why Men Want to Wake Up Next to the Same Woman They Went to Sleep With

Makeup 1a : Applying Makeup Without Using a Trowel
Makeup 1b : Why the Rear-View Mirror is Not for Makeup Application

Dating Economics I- Why Men Hate When You Order a $25 Cocktail and Then Leave Half Dating Economics II- Eating in Public and Why It’s Acceptable

Sociology I- Overcoming Your Fear of Using the Bathroom Alone

Planning For the Future I- Getting Him to Marry You Does Not Require a Pregnancy Test
Planning For the Future II- Sex Doesn’t Stop After the Wedding

Fashion For the Married Woman- Why Sweats Don’t Work and Why Lingerie Won’t Kill You
Fashion For the Married Woman II- Classic Clothing: Wearing What You Already Own

Environmental Studies- Hairspray And It’s Effects on the Ozone

Dealing With Men- Understanding Why Flowers and Chocolate Doesn’t Always Mean He’s Fucked Up

Effective Communication I- Learning to Say What You Mean, Not What You Expect Him to Decipher
Effective Communication II- Learning That He Says What He Means, There Is Nothing for You to Decipher
Effective Communication III- How to Make ‘I’m Sorry’ Sound Sincere While Continuing to Lie Through Your Teeth
Optional Credit Course- When He Says Yes Immediately, Either He Wasn’t Listening or Didn’t Understand the Question

Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments I- How Not to Walk in Front in Front of the TV During a Game
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments II- Why His Friends Hanging Out at Your Place is a Good Thing

Timekeeping For Beginners- How to Avoid Leaving the House 10 Minutes After You Are Supposed to be There

Sex Ed for Women- You ARE Allowed to Participate!
Sex Ed for Women II- The Mouth is For More Than Just Kissing
Sex Ed for Women III- Spontaneity, and Why Scheduling is Bad

Bathroom Etiquette For Beginners- Anyone Can Put the Toilet Seat Down
Intermediate Bathroom Etiquette- Respecting Razor Boundaries
Optional Credit Course- You Too Can Remove Your Hair From the Drain

PMS- Your Problem, Not His

Classes for Men

Hygiene 101- If Your Socks Don’t Bend, It IS a Problem! (Or ‘Why You Require More Than One Pair of Underwear’)

Dating Economics I- If You Can Spend $69 on a Video Game, You Can Afford to Take Her Out
Dating Economics II- Going Dutch May Be Fair, But It Won’t Get You Laid

Health I- Why a Beer Gut is Not Attractive- How to Distinguish Between a 6-Pack and a Keg
Health II- Dealing With Constipation: How to Pass a Pub Without Going In

Drunk Dialing- What It Is and How to Avoid It

Fashion For Men- Letting Go of the 80’s: If You Owned It Then, It Shouldn’t Be Worn Now

Admitting You Are Wrong in 3 Easy Steps*
*Pre-requisite for ‘Admitting You Are Drunk- Why Telling the Truth is Not As Hard as it Seems’.

Effective Communication I- Choosing Your Words, A Simple Guide to Realizing She Takes Nothing At Face Value
Effective Communication II- Why Just ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ Are Never Acceptable Answers
Effective Communication III- Apologies and Reparations- Getting Yourself Out of the Doghouse and Back Into Her Bed*
*Advanced Level Course, Must Have Completed Effective Communication I and II

Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments I- The More She’s on the Phone, The Less She’s Nagging You
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments II- Lessons on the Consistent Use of “Yes”, “You are Right”, and “You Look Great in That”
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments III- When to Give Up and Say Nothing at All

Reality vs. Perception- Understanding that You Are Not James Bond
Reality vs. Perception II- Basic Measuring Techniques, and the Difference Between 4 Inches and 8
Optional Credit Course- Why Women Can’t Park Cars When You Lie to Them About Distance. (Reality vs. Perception II Required.)

Home Ec I- Cleaning Instruments and How to Use Them
Home Ec II- Basic to Intermediate Hoover Driving with Practical Demonstration on Going Under and Around Furniture
Home Ec III- Avoiding Comparisons Between Your Wife and Your Mother
Home Ec IV- How to Prepare a Meal Without Using a Grill or the Phone Number to Pizza Hut

Human Biology- Why Mentioning Her Weight or Eating Habits During Pregnancy Can Be Fatal

Sex Ed For Men I- Foreplay Requires More Than Just Taking Off Your Pants
Sex Ed For Men II- Discovering Your Tongue and Fingers, and Basic Techniques for Using Them
Sex Ed For Men III- Why Some Moves Will Only Ever Happen on TV, and How to Know the Difference

Bathroom Etiquette For Beginners- You Too Can Leave the Bathroom in Less Than 20 Minutes
Intermediate Bathroom Etiquette- Air Fresheners and How to Use Them
Advanced Bathroom Etiquette- Techniques For Hiding the Victoria’s Secret Catalog

PMS- Why It Really IS Your Problem (Effective Communication III Recommended But Not Required)

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