My friend Christy sent me this, and without thinking about it I forwarded it on to Paul. As usual he had something to say about it. Ok, a LOT to say about it, not that I should have been surprised. Do men really need this kind of training? You decide. ~Sara

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE

ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 17th 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

(Okay two things here! First off, real men don’t need ice It just doesn’t go with beer or wine. That’s for your Baileys and mudslides! Next, who the fuck uses ice cube trays anymore? Us men moved on to using ice cube bags to make your ice years ago! http://bit.ly/Gfvl (Those would be the blue things you see in the bottom of the freezer while you’re staring at the ice cube trays getting mad! – Paul)

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

(Yeah, and for the women “How to Put a Toilet Paper Roll on the Dispenser Properly”- an easy course designed to teach you that the paper is supposed to hang down on the outside where it is easiest to grab, not right up against the wall. This course would then be followed up with “Remembering to Replace the Toilet Paper Roll and Why it’s Just Plain Evil to Leave One Fecking Sheet on the Roll!” – Paul)

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Lets see you stand up and hit the target! ‘Nuff said! – Paul)

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

(“Fundamental Difference Between the Clothes Hangar and the Radiator.” “How Not to Have Your Knickers on Display When Your Friends Come Around in 1 Easy Step!” Also offering “The Differences Between Tools and Kitchen Utensils, a Visual Discovery! Or maybe “Plumbing 101, How to Unclog a Pipe Without Screaming “Paul!!! The Sinks Blocked! Can you fix it?”- Paul)

Class 5

Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

(How about – “How to Have Patience and Wait 10 Fecking Minutes!” Or “Electricity 101 – Why Knives and Toasters are a Bad Combination!” and for the ultra lazy female with a recycling fetish, “Disposable Plates – the Joys of Cardboard” ROFL – Paul)

Class 6

Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

(It’s not “Loss of Identity”, it’s survival. We don’t want out brains melted by the mind numbing tedium of yet another soap opera. Real life is happening outside your window women! You don’t need to live vicariously through soap operas. You do know why they’re called “soaps” don’t you? Because they scrub your brain of all ability for independent thought and the desire to live YOUR OWN life! – Paul)

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

(Yeah, because if you looked in the “right place” the thing wouldn’t need finding to begin with! – Paul)

Class 8

Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health

Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Until she starts asking “WHY” have you brought me flowers and/or chocolates? What did you do? What do you want? – Paul)

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

(If you’d shut up for five minutes to let us drive in peace we may not get lost to begin with. After that just remember that you taking the map and reading it upside down only gets us more lost. And the reason we don’t want to stop, roll down the window, and talk to other people is because we don’t want to expose them to your verbal barrage of nagging! – Paul)

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

(Yeah, because parallel parking really takes 15 minutes and 12 attempts!! – Paul)

Class 11

Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

(You don’t fuck your mother (unless you live in Alabama)! – Paul)

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

(In other words learn how to follow her around like a docile sheep while she spends all your cash!

Tip – be the ideal shopping companion by remembering that she looks great in everything and that the pants she spent twenty minutes trying to squeeze into does NOT make her ass look fat!

Here’s another tip for ya – Want a free night out with the lads because she doesn’t want to talk to you? Just be honest with her. Those new pants doesn’t make her ass look fat! Her fat ass makes her look fat! – Paul)

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Yeah – how about for women “Time, is Measured in Seconds” 5 minutes does not equal two chronological hours! Or, “Doing What I Say I’ll Do” -a twelve step course to keeping the promises I make and how to make sure that when I leave for an appointment it’s not 10 minutes after I’m supposed to be there. – Paul)

Class 14

The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

(I’ve yet to meet a woman that can cook. Yet I do know one that can give you food poisoning just by choosing a restaurant! – Paul)

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.